All Saints' Day in Denmark: a place for grief, remembrance and hope

Grief can be a lonely place, especially when home is far away. In the Danish National Church, All Saints' Day is an invitation to pause, remember those we have lost, and make room for grief – whatever you believe, and wherever you come from.

“Grief can be seen as the shadow of love. But it is worth remembering that the shadow remains for as long as the light does.” — Maria Fihl, pastor at Eliaskirken, Copenhagen

When someone dies, the people around us are often kind and understanding at first. As time passes, life carries on for everyone else, while something in us cannot move at the same speed. Grief may be there when we wake up, follow us through an ordinary working day, or catch us on the bus or in the kitchen. Living far from home, it can be sharper still: the people who share our memories and understand what we have lost are thousands of miles away, in another time zone.

Remembering the dead

Every year, on the first Sunday in November, the Danish National Church marks All Saints' Day – Allehelgen in Danish. Churches across the country make space to remember those who have died, through music, readings, prayer and the lighting of candles.

We read aloud the names of those who have died in the parish during the past year, together with the names of family members of people in the parish. Families and friends come to the service to remember, to reflect, and to say in a different way that this person mattered – and still matters.

All Saints is not only for the recently bereaved. Most churches invite people to write down the name of someone they wish to remember, even if that person died many years ago or lived far away. Some return year after year to hear one particular name spoken aloud in a quiet church, where it is held not only in their own memory but spoken out loud in the living world.

Lighting a candle cannot take away the pain of loss, but it can give your thoughts somewhere to rest. You might light one for someone you miss, for a memory you want to keep, or for something you cannot quite put into words.

All Saints' Day is rooted in the Christian faith, but you do not need a particular belief to make use of a day set aside for remembering.

The Church is here on an ordinary Tuesday, too

All Saints is when we take time together to remember. But grief does not follow a calendar.

Churches are open for you to sit quietly, cry, reflect or simply be still. In churches across the city you will find candle stands, where you are welcome to light a candle and leave it burning.

You can also speak privately with a priest. Such a conversation – sjælesorg in Danish – is a space to talk about whatever is weighing on you. The pastor will listen and take your experience seriously, without expecting to supply answers. You need not be religious, and you need not know what you believe.

Contact Maria Fihl if you would like to speak with a priest, and she will put you in touch with one near you. Contact Maria here.

When you are far from home

Grief abroad brings its own difficulties. Perhaps you lost someone in your home country and could not be there when they died. Perhaps you are carrying a loss that almost no one around you knows about. Perhaps the people you would normally turn to are reachable only by phone, when the time difference allows. And it is hard to find words for grief in a language that is not your own – harder still to explain the family relationships, traditions and memories that make this loss what it is.

Maria Fihl offers pastoral conversations in English, and there is a grief group for internationals: a chance to meet others who know something about grieving away from home. You do not need to share a faith, a nationality or a background to recognise each other.

You are welcome as you are

The Danish National Church is a Christian church, and All Saints' Day is shaped by the Christian hope that death does not have the last word. The hymns and the prayers speak of light, of love and of life beyond death. You are welcome whether or not you share that hope.

Perhaps you find comfort in prayer. Perhaps you are unsure what you believe. Perhaps faith is far from your mind, and you simply miss someone terribly. There is room for you here.

Grief is not something we can fix for one another. But we can listen, remember, light a candle and make room for the love that remains.

All Saints' services, concerts and other activities for internationals in Copenhagen

• All Saints’ Concert – A Space for Reflection
   
• All Saints’ Concert: Remembering – Actus Tragicus & Evening Hymns (Grundtvigs Kirke)
   
• Remembering – All Saints’ Concert with The Baroque Society (Holmens Kirke)
   
• All Saints’ Service – Musical Service with Fauré’s Requiem
   
• Potluck Brunch – Día de los Muertos
   
• All Saints' Day
   
• ‘Day of the Dead’ in Nørrebro
   
• “My Memory of You” – Jazz Concert with Britt Hein
   
• Evensong & Earl Grey: All Saints